Aany contemporary clergy see their roles as that of a chaplain rather than as a pastor when working with unaffiliated families. Clergy must be sensitive to the spirituality of the family but at the same time act as the minister representing the church. In a recent study, clergy were asked their opinion about funeral directors and the funeral industry. Clergy were open and frank about their concerns regarding the rising costs of funerals. Some felt a return to less ornate caskets and simpler funerals with minimal visitation or possibly visitation or direct cremation and a memorial service was the direction they would like to see the bereaved choose. Funeral professionals must take care to not participate in any sort of direct “battle” over any of these choices. Funeral directors must take a strong but passive role in simply allowing the bereaved to see all of the options as they rest assured that all choices are theirs and theirs alone. Funeral directors must adhere to a code of ethics that includes respect for all faiths, creeds, and customs. Funeral directors must make funerals available at as wide a range of prices to meet the needs of all potential clients. Funeral directors should clearly quote in writing the charges for every option offered and identify clearly the services, facilities, equipment, and merchandise included in such quotations. Once all choices have been made, the funeral director should furnish a written memorandum of charges and make no additional charge without the approval of the financially responsible party. If a family doesn’t practice an organized religion, or even if they do and still seem lost, you might suggest a death doula or other grief counselor. The podcast “Seeing Death Clearly” and shows like it might be another good option. Good listening is one of those easily forgotten traits that will affect how you’re perceived by the grieving families. Yes, this is your business, and you need to make money, but to ensure you’re always listening, come prepared with a few questions that will get your families talking about the loved one and their preferences. You’ll be surprised by how much your families want to share with you if you don’t focus on your goods and services; you’ll also be amazed at how easy it is to help them create meaningful services. Even when a parent makes it into their 80s or 90s and their children are grandparents themselves, the loss of a parent is intense and complicated. Sadness is not the only emotion mourners feel. Unfortunately, when a death occurs is often when family troubles surface. Sometimes long-running grievances and conflicts reemerge. Complicated secrets can be revealed. New problems with how to deal with the funeral itself, finances, household issues, all come glaringly to the foreground. You cannot and should not consider getting involved in these complex situations, but be aware of the mourners’ state of mind as you fulfill your crucial role as a confident professional. Besides offering the level of support that they need with the actual services, you can also offer some comfort and advice. Gently remind them that it’s ok to take some time for themselves, even in these very early days of processing their loss. Remind them that different cultures treat death very differently than most Americans; for example, rather than remain reserved, in many cultures the immediate family is expected to wail and rend their clothing at the burial. Remind them that just because the world at large may expect them to recover from their grief fairly quickly, like the prescribed three days of bereavement leave, their grief will fluctuate for months and years.
It’s important to note here that men may have a more difficult time processing their grief than women, mostly due to cultural expectations that men should remain stoic and strong. Obviously, their sense of loss is the same. The funeral professional should be aware of this difference and make sure to address the males in the family with the same compassion that they use with females. Males would benefit from any and all of these tips in the same way that women do. You might consider suggesting the following: 1. Suggest that they write their thoughts and feelings down. Abundant research shows that disclosing deep emotions through writing can elevate mood and general well-being as well as boost immune function. (Conversely, the stress of holding in strong feelings can increase blood pressure, heart rate, and muscle tension. Tell them to truly free-write, that is, they can destroy or discard the writing later if they chose—don’t worry about grammar or spelling or anything else; just write. 2. Remember to suggest that they should not only write about their current state of sadness and bereavement. Writing down happy memories evokes and preserves them and can greatly abate our more depressive emotions. Writing through all of these complicated emotions brings self-understanding and acceptance, as well as elucidation. 3. Numerous studies prove that exercise can be a powerful tool for healing grief. Exercise releases endorphins and improves sleep and self-esteem. Exercise helps reduce depression and anxiety. Suggest that they take walks with the friends and family members that are currently supporting them. Walks are a great way to connect and a great space to talk privately, so this recommendation is a natural one for the funeral professional to suggest. Walks also have the added bonus of getting the mourning client outside, which is also proven to increase calmness and reduce stress. 4. While the mourning client is in a troubled mental state, you might consider directly asking them how you can best specifically support them at this time. They might feel great relief in being asked directly at a time when other supportive people are saying, “Let me know if you need anything”—a vague question the bereaved often cannot answer. 5. You might suggest that they consider asking or allowing you to ask someone close to them to serve as a “bodyguard” during the days of the funeral, viewing, and reception. The mourner can feel great relief in knowing they can give someone a signal when they simply need a break and to “disappear” for a few minutes. Also suggest the breaks themselves: Mourners often feel they must act as host, but the loss of a parent is devastating, and the bereaved should be given some allowance for “time outs.” 6. Similarly, you might suggest that they ask or allow you to ask someone to be the “event planner.” The immediate family will benefit from being allowed to just “be” during these early days, rather than worry about whether there is enough coffee or chairs. 7. Do what you do best. Consider writing up a “fact sheet” that explains how to handle the obituary, how people will be seated at the funeral, flower etiquette, funeral cards, a guest book, and even when (or if) they should be expected to write “thank you cards” post-funeral.
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