Passivity Passive or nonassertive thinking focuses on meeting others’ needs at one’s own expense. It is a “you win, I lose” proposition. Passive people typically allow others to control them, but are also capable of manipulating or controlling others. Individuals who tend toward passive behavior in stressful times are likely to feel angry and victimized or taken advantage of. They may become frustrated, feeling they never get their way and have little control over their lives. They may be sulky or withdrawn, thinking that no one listens to what they say. They may have little confidence in themselves and be reluctant to accept change. Indirect passive manipulators may use subtle or devious means to get their way, including sabotage, sarcasm, playing the martyr, or using the silent treatment. They may be inclined to use passive–aggressive measures, such as spreading rumors, Importance of being heard and understood Two or more people form a verbal interaction. Arguments often erupt in situations where two or more people are trying to be heard and understood at the same time. For effective communication, one person must be the listener, open to hearing and understanding what is said. Anger associated with the difficult situation is usually a combination of two things: The original reason for unhappiness or distress and the associated frustration and feelings of helplessness because no one is listening to, understanding, or helping you solve the problem. Listening to the person has an immediate diffusing effect on hostility by addressing one of the sources of anger. In fact, a kind, understanding word is sometimes all that is needed to cool emotional overreactions and promote good will. Difficult people often feel their good intentions are being misunderstood and that they are not being heard. Learning good listening skills and behavior, asking important questions, Listening skills Assertive communication requires good listening skills. Assertive communicators listen carefully and respond with sympathy and targeted questions that get at the heart of the issue. They pay close attention to what the individual is staying instead of getting lost in their own thoughts or thinking ahead to how they will respond. Active listeners have an open mind and are able to consider other people’s points of view. A good listener is one who: ● Doesn’t tune out. ● Doesn’t interrupt. ● Is open-minded. ● Maintains good listening behavior (e.g., eye contact). ● Asks questions to clarify and provide feedback. Do you tune out? Sometimes we don’t hear what people say because we are bored or preoccupied; the mind wanders off on its own little journey, thinking its own thoughts. While the person is speaking, we are contemplating many things, including what we will say when it is time to respond. You may have poor listening skills in general, or the tendency to tune out the difficult person because you associate them with something unpleasant. Do you interrupt? Resist interrupting individuals before they finish speaking. Try not to rush the difficult person, try to read their mind, or anticipate what they are about to say. Let them make their statement at their own pace. Do not try to hurry the discussion along or solve the problem before you’ve heard all the pertinent details. In some cases, listening may not be an efficient use of your time. Difficult people who complain constantly sometimes try to draw others into their drama. In this case, keep the interaction as short as possible. When interacting with difficult people who talk a great deal but don’t really listen, you may have to interrupt if you want to be heard.
making fun of others, or talking behind others’ backs. They may hide their feelings, pretending that everything is fine while they are actually seething inside. Sometimes a person can go from one extreme to the other, for example, a person who is typically nonassertive will become aggressive. This may happen because small amounts of resentment build up until the last straw, when they ultimately lose their temper. Passive manipulation may also be subconscious and can include withdrawal, feeling depressed or down, and a disinclination to communicate or cooperate. Passive personalities may be overly dependent on others, be hypersensitive to criticism, and lack social skills. Passive behavior can be frustrating to more motivated, efficient workers who may feel they’re carrying dead weight at the office. and providing appropriate feedback ensures that the difficult person feels heard and understood. In fact, by listening attentively, one can even prevent difficult people from becoming problematic, as taking the time to listen increases feelings of cooperation and understanding. When someone is venting their frustrations, paying attention to what the difficult person is saying shows that one has focused attention on their emotions and words. Pay attention to nonverbal signs of communication and seek clarification if there is suspicion that the communicator and the difficult person aren’t on the same page. Fatigue, disability, language difficulties, and cultural issues are some of the many factors that complicate communication between two people. Some people have an initial period of difficulty speaking their mind; they may feel rude, feel awkward, or not want to express disagreement. As people become more familiar with one another, interactions will likely become more natural and comfortable. If someone raises their voice, does not let others speak, or constantly complains, it may be necessary to kindly but firmly interrupt the individual and redirect the conversation. The interruption must be unemotional, without anger or blame. Speak respectfully to the individual, using their name to get their attention; for example, “Excuse me, John.” Aggressive people are likely to raise their voices in an effort to speak over you, which can escalate conflict. Continue to politely repeat this until the difficult person finally stops speaking and turns their attention to you. Do you listen with an open mind? Some people are not willing to entertain the prospect of changing their opinion, no matter what they hear. Do you consider what the difficult person is saying without predisposition or bias? Do you show good listening behavior? Is your tone of voice and body language saying the same thing as your words? Are you making eye contact and nodding or commenting to show your interest? Do your questions further understanding of the situation? How do you look and act? Are you tapping your foot, or are your eyes darting around the room? Are you thinking about how you’re going to respond to the individual? Not only your words but also your body language and manner of speaking (volume and tone of voice) should convey interest and concern. Do you ask the right questions and provide appropriate and supportive feedback? Do you use the principles of active listening, paraphrasing, and asking questions when you need clarification, demonstrating that you are interested and listening to what is being said? At some point, the individual may stop talking or start to repeat what they have already said. At that point, provide a statement of positive intent, then feedback or clarification on what they just said. If you think you understand what the person said, briefly
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