Assertive communicators understand that much of our ability to know and get along with others depends on healthy self- esteem. We all travel with an Achilles’ heel, some weakness or sensitivity that is particularly acute to us. Difficult situations can be emotional and confusing, and unless you specifically state your good intent, it is possible that your words and behavior will be misunderstood. Showing positive intent though words and actions is often the solution to easing the situation. Assertive communicators identify a positive intention behind the difficult behavior and treat the difficult person in a positive, charitable manner. This means acknowledging that the difficult individual does not mean to be difficult; that they are operating out of goodwill and toward positive objectives. Difficult people may feel victimized by the world around them—no one is on their side and everyone is against them. Erratic behavior is another powerful weapon because it defies prediction. Often, the behavior comes as a surprise even to the person generating it. Showing your positive intent displays the caring emotions behind your words and lets the difficult person know where you are coming from emotionally. When you state your positive intent toward the person, you give them positive feedback; the individual may expect to hear accusatory language, but instead they hear concern and interest. Stating positive intentions can be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry that you’re having a problem. How can I help?” Expressing concern immediately reduces anxiety and conflict and increases goodwill. Also, avoid accusatory language or tone. This helps the communicator develop a bond of goodwill and a sense that both individuals are on the same team. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is one of the most powerful tools for bringing out the best in people who are at their worst. People both rise and fall to the level of others’ expectations. It is easy to let a preconceived notion about a difficult person allow one to assume a behavior is rooted in negative intention. But even behavior that appears negative comes from good intent. We as a society tend to associate difficult people with negative feelings and reactions. Assuming the best has a positive effect on difficult people. Instead of criticizing the person, encouragement and understanding can often minimize apprehensiveness and protective defense mechanisms. As a difficult person begins to disassociate the communicator with negative words and actions, this person will stop seeing the communicator as the enemy and be more receptive to what is being communicated. people around. A bully, for example, is one type of aggressive personality who typically uses some form of obvious mental, physical, or monetary coercion to force others to do as they wish. Dominant or aggressive behavior may also manifest itself in judgmental control, a holier-than-thou or know-it-all attitude that keeps others off-balance. The judgmental person thinks they are morally and/or intellectually right or has “the truth” on their side, therefore implying that the person with whom they are in conflict is not as intelligent or as good of a person. This kind of manipulation is dishonest in that judgmental people claim they are doing the right thing, while their real motivation is to control the situation and get their way. While aggression allows the difficult individual to get their way in one sense, aggressive manipulation works against the difficult individual because others learn to fear or resent, as well as distance themselves from, the difficult person. Like passive individuals, aggressive people may have poor social skills and little trust in others. They may feel suspicious, angry, and wounded by others’ reactions to them.
are more likely to express care or concern for another person, or compliment or commend them, even in the midst of a difficult situation. The following statements describe characteristics typically associated with assertive behavior and communication: ● It isn’t difficult for me to tell someone that they are taking advantage of me. ● It is easy for me to say “no” to someone when I want to say “no.” ● I can ask someone to do me a favor without any difficulty. ● It is not difficult for me to tell someone my true feelings. ● I can challenge someone’s beliefs with little difficulty. ● I do not have trouble saying something that might hurt someone’s feelings when I feel they have injured me. ● I can express a differing point of view to someone without much difficulty. ● I do not give someone the silent treatment when I’m mad at them. Instead, I just tell them what has angered me. Assertive communicators use words with great care because they know words can hurt people deeply and cause great pain. Choosing to speak kindly and carefully does not mean that one cannot voice their opinions or disagree. It means one does not use words to attack or undermine. During a difficult encounter, speak the truth, but do so in a way that is supportive—building up self-esteem rather than tearing it down. Always bring attention to a sensitive issue in private to avoid an audience, and try to discuss problem behavior without indicting the person behaving that way. Assertive communicators are honest, diplomatic, and diligent about keeping their word. They back up their words with actions because they know that if they do not follow up promises or statements with the specified actions or behaviors, people will begin to doubt their word. Words can bond people in close relationships or rip them apart; assertive communicators realize their power and use words carefully. Once spoken, poorly or angrily chosen words have an impact that can never be taken back. Assertive communicators are compassionate and nonjudgmental. These individuals realize that they cannot know all the experiences that made the difficult person who they are today. Instead of judging or blaming the difficult person, the assertive communicator is sensitive to their needs and treats them with more compassion. Aggression Aggressive or domineering thinking focuses on meeting one’s own needs at the expense of others’ needs. Aggressive individuals often ignore how their behavior impacts others; they take an “I win, you lose,” position, incorporating a variety of aggressive methods of control, including dishonesty. Judging, criticizing, out-talking, or being loud and intimidating can all be used to dominate other individuals. Being aggressive often requires a belief system that puts the aggressor’s standards and needs above others. Aggressive people may think they are the only ones who have a corner on the truth of the situation. They may be very stringent about following their rules, but not those of others. Aggressive individuals do not consider other people’s wishes and have little respect for their needs and rights. Situations may have to go their way or no way at all. Aggressive people may have backgrounds in which domineering behavior was encouraged or rewarded. While they may appear very confident, they often have poor self-esteem and may be unable to accept blame. Unlike passive manipulators, aggressive individuals tend to be obvious in their attempts to push
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