● Investigate one’s own responsibility in the conflict before speaking with another. ● Practice non stubbornness with a willingness to understand and a desire to reconcile differences. ● Have face-to-face resolution of the conflict with the other person(s) involved. ● Use anger in a constructive and respectful way, allowing it to teach and transform us for the better, avoiding the “poison” of envy and comparing ourselves to others. ● Separate the behavior from the person, seeing the situation as an opportunity. Perhaps the core principles of conflict resolution and dealing with difficult people are to maintain respectful relationships Principle 1: Resist trying to change other people Trying to change the difficult person does not resolve any problems and typically leaves you even more frustrated and angry. Instead of trying to make the difficult person less difficult, accept that person as they are, with faults. By simply choosing to accept people as they are, we create a less stressful environment. Consider how easily people tell others how they Principle 2: Let go of the blame game People grow accustomed to blaming others or themselves when things go wrong, rather than looking for ways to fix the problem. Blame does little to resolve a difficult situation. Learning to address negative energy or attitudes without blame is an integral Principle 3: It’s not about you A necessary aspect of this strategy is learning to depersonalize communication and behavior. It is the realization that, in most cases, the difficulties you encounter are not at all about you. When a person ignores you, or speaks unfairly to you, how do you handle it? Do you feel angry at the person because you assume their words were malicious and intentional? As you go through the day, do negative feelings about the person persist? Do you hate others because you think they hate you? This kind of thinking perpetuates negative behavior on both sides and gets you no closer to a solution. Principle 4: Treat people well Practice treating difficult people with kindness and patience. Try acting respectfully toward a difficult person, and you may find their behavior loosens up or bothers you less. Remember that Principle 5: Focus only on what you can change Many people cannot let go of the anger or frustration associated with a source of negative stress. Practice mentally throwing the problem away by putting an end to rumination or replaying the situation in your head. Do not occupy your time repeating the story or endlessly complaining to other people. Use this energy for more productive pursuits.
and try to resolve issues without emotion. The first part of this course introduced the importance of observing emotions and preventing oneself from automatically reacting without thinking. The next part discusses some principles of respectful communication. Like the principles above, this way of thinking revolves around changing the receiver and how the receiver responds to difficult people. The most effective changes are those implemented internally: Change within ourselves. Modifying the response to difficult people affects the change in behavior of the difficult person. By shifting the focus to yourself and your own behavior, you have the means by which to change the nature of the interaction from negative to positive. should change results in heightened conflict and accept that you no longer have to try to control or influence other people’s thoughts and behavior. Realize that it is not your mission to convince everyone that you are right. Leave that burden behind and accept that you are not responsible for changing minds.
part of dealing with difficult people. This means relaxing your judgment of people and assuming the best of those around you—giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Negative behaviors and responses often come from our own feelings of insecurity. Learn to listen to others without forming these presumptuous attitudes that revolve around your ego. Realize that when talking to a difficult person, there is a bias against them, and you may be predisposed to interpreting their comments negatively or in a judgmental way. In so many cases, a perceived snub has nothing to do with you. Perhaps the person had a long day or was preoccupied with some recent bad news. When we don’t interpret the interaction as a personal affront, we give the person the benefit of the doubt.
anyone can be someone’s difficult person at some point, even you, given the right (or wrong) circumstances.
Choose to focus your energy on the present and future, rather than waste it on past events that cannot be changed. Many people find the “Serenity Prayer,” by Reinhold Niebuhr, to be a good reminder about wasted emotional energy. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.
UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOR II: COMMUNICATIVE NEEDS
Assertiveness: Behavior and communication Assertive thinking and behavior balances an active concern for one’s own welfare and goals with those of others. It comes from a genuine wish and attempt to find win–win long-term solutions to recurring problems, as opposed to superficial or temporary stop-gap measures that ignore the underlying cause. Assertive communicators face difficult situations squarely, while nonassertive people tend to avoid directly addressing the root of the problem. The assertive approach utilizes the individual’s respect for themself, treating the other person in an understanding and kind way, yet focused and firm enough to accomplish the win–win solution. While the ultimate objective of the assertive approach
is finding immediate and lasting solutions to problems, assertive communicators endeavor to de-escalate conflict and improve communication, bringing people closer together. Assertiveness is usually the most effective response to nonassertive, aggressive, or manipulative behavior, but learning to act assertively typically requires some degree of training and skill, whereas nonassertive and aggressive responses are emotional and automatic. Assertive communicators tend to be more emotionally open and honest about their feelings and thoughts. They tend to act kindly and diplomatically throughout the difficult situation, and they speak and act in respectful ways. Assertive communicators
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